Saturday night, my dreams were plagued with visions of death. I’d wake up, go back to sleep, and the nightmares would pick right back up. I dreamed that my father died. The feeling of sorrow was agonizing. Then, I dreamed that I watched a school full of kids blow up, and I couldn’t stop it. By morning, my dreams became less freaky. I dreamed about Jamie, and I couldn’t really keep up with him. We weren’t together but we were. I didn’t want to get up for church, though, because seeing him in my dreams was actually pleasant, even if the dream was weird. When I was younger, I had terrible nightmares that would have me so terrified that I wouldn’t move from my bed but would only be able to scream out in terror. It seems that nightmares occur when I’m most stressed or worried. I was a very worried child during a troubled and difficult childhood. I remember having nightmares up until I finally finished college, but they occurred less frequently. Now, I almost never have them. So I guess that when I do, I’m ill-prepared for their frightfulness. I was filled with a dread all day as those nightmares teased the edges of my mind. When I laid down several hours ago, I wasn’t very sleepy, but I needed sleep to face a new Monday in the high school classroom. I tossed and turned, flipped and flopped. I tried every single sleeping position possible, I think. Still, I could not sleep. My mind wandered to my dreams from the night before. Were they keeping me awake subconsciously? Was I avoiding sleep to avoid the terror of my dreams? As I lay there, more and more awake now, I began to get the feeling that I was being watched. It creeps me out just to type that, because it sounds so crazy. But it wasn’t a scary kind of being watched feeling. I wasn’t really scared. I just kept opening my eyes, expecting someone to be there. Even now, I keep looking over my shoulder. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe it’s just paranoia from exhaustion. But then I started having the irrational feeling that something was wrong, that my insomnia had more significance than just an inability to shut my mind off. I got up to check Facebook to make sure nothing bad had been posted. I checked the weather, which was clear. I laid back down. I felt watched. So I got up. It’s 3:24 a.m. I can’t lay there anymore. I’ll call in before I lay there feeling uneasy all night. At least it feels halfway normal in the living room with the light on. I think part of my anxiety is that I got news that Jamie’s unit has made it to Afghanistan, but I still haven’t heard from him.
Insomnia February 28, 2011