Sweet Silver Lining

just watching the clouds…

Insomnia February 28, 2011

Filed under: raNdOMnesS — dragonfly180 @ 4:22 am
Tags: , , ,

Saturday night, my dreams were plagued with visions of death.  I’d wake up, go back to sleep, and the nightmares would pick right back up. I dreamed that my father died. The feeling of sorrow was agonizing. Then, I dreamed that I watched a school full of kids blow up, and I couldn’t stop it. By morning, my dreams became less freaky. I dreamed about Jamie, and I couldn’t really keep up with him. We weren’t together but we were. I didn’t want to get up for church, though, because seeing him in my dreams was actually pleasant, even if the dream was weird. When I was younger, I had terrible nightmares that would have me so terrified that I wouldn’t move from my bed but would only be able to scream out in terror. It seems that nightmares occur when I’m most stressed or worried. I was a very worried child during a troubled and difficult childhood. I remember having nightmares up until I finally finished college, but they occurred less frequently. Now, I almost never have them. So I guess that when I do, I’m ill-prepared for their frightfulness. I was filled with a dread all day as those nightmares teased the edges of my mind. When I laid down several hours ago, I wasn’t very sleepy, but I needed sleep to face a new Monday in the high school classroom. I tossed and turned, flipped and flopped. I tried every single sleeping position possible, I think. Still, I could not sleep. My mind wandered to my dreams from the night before. Were they keeping me awake subconsciously? Was I avoiding sleep to avoid the terror of my dreams? As I lay there, more and more awake now, I began to get the feeling that I was being watched. It creeps me out just to type that, because it sounds so crazy. But it wasn’t a scary kind of being watched feeling. I wasn’t really scared. I just kept opening my eyes, expecting someone to be there. Even now, I keep looking over my shoulder. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe it’s just paranoia from exhaustion. But then I started having the irrational feeling that something was wrong, that my insomnia had more significance than just an inability to shut my mind off. I got up to check Facebook to make sure nothing bad had been posted. I checked the weather, which was clear. I laid back down. I felt watched. So I got up. It’s 3:24 a.m. I can’t lay there anymore. I’ll call in before I lay there feeling uneasy all night. At least it feels halfway normal in the living room with the light on. I think part of my anxiety is that I got news that Jamie’s unit has made it to Afghanistan, but I still haven’t heard from him.


2 Responses to “Insomnia”

  1. Bill (allbw2u...SP) Says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your sleeping/dreaming issues. That is certainly NO fun! I thought about some Scriptures for these times….and thought that I would share them with you….

    Romans 5:3, NLT…..We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.

    1 Peter 5:7, NLT Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.

    2 Corinthians 10:4, NLT We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

    Stay encouraged, we serve a mighty God who is able to take care of every need, every situation….every day AND every night, too!!! The enemy comes to attack when we are at our weakest, but he seems to want to forget that Jesus already paid the price for us and that he (Satan) is NOT going to win!! I will keep you and Jamie on my daily prayer list.

    I hope that tonight is a better night for you. Sleep well. Z z z z z z

    Best wishes always…..Bill

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